Writer Nightmares

I ordered the free first edition of my book + shipping and handling, Path of the Righteous, from Lulu. It has been printed and should be on its way by now.

I had the most bizarre nightmare recently. I got the book in the mail…but it was all messed up. The dust jacket had car ads on the inside flap, the book info was missing, and the author photo was gone. The cover picture was all blurred and some pages were hanging out and cut horribly wrong. I woke up thinking this had really happened until I got an e-mail saying the book had shipped!

traumaI guess it was a lucid dream, which I seem predisposed to.

I’m hoping to get the hardback soon so I can take my pencil and do some more editing. Then I’ll publish my first full-length novel at last.

I’m pretty excited and anxious. What does it mean to be published? I’ve known I wanted to write since I was ten and held on to a very specific idea of what “getting published” means. My answer to that question in the past has always been very limited. Endorsement from a major book company or established small book company. Editor. Literary agent. Cover artist. A strong steady following. Attention. Money. People wanting to pick my brain about my stories and learn from me and about me. Now, I don’t know. I feel like I need to get rid of that idea in my own head in order to move forward.

Maybe its because I feel I’ve failed or I’ll never succeed at that particular idealization. But I’m published now, whatever it means. I’ll try to keep moving forward instead of thinking of it the way I used to.


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